I'm pretty sure that this won't get read by most anyone, which is probably why I'm taking such liberty in writing it even though I don't have all that much to say. I'm just sitting here filling out college and scholarship applications and wondering where my future is going to lead. Nine years ago, when I was just a little kid, I had this huge plan for my life, I thought I knew exactly how everything would turn out. Turns out however, that no amount of planning can ever bring you exactly what you planned for.

I long so much to go back to the days when I was just a kid- to do things over again. I miss being so innocent, not knowing where each day would take me. I miss being able to spend my days playing silly games, making up stories with my Barbies, and colouring pages out of books. I miss being able to be liked by everyone around me, regardless of how much money they had or how good they looked. I miss being able to laugh so hard it hurt at least once a day- probably more. I miss being seen for exactly who I was- nothing more, nothing less. I miss having impossible dreams, thinking I could do whatever I put my mind to no matter how ridiculous it was. I miss having all the opportunity in the world before me and all the time in the world to achieve whatever I wanted to.

I wish I could let younger me know that growing up wouldn't be the "great amount of fun" that I thought it would be. I wish I could let younger me know that it's okay to enjoy being a kid- that it's okay to enjoy your youth. But I guess it's a little too late for that. The truth is, I grew up and faced the world a long time ago- after all, growing up is easy to do once you see that life isn't always filled with laughter and silly games. And the truth is, that in a few months, I'll really have to face the consequences of growing up- I'm facing up to a lot of them already.

I suppose the truth is that I'm afraid. I'm afraid to see what life has in store for me. I'm afraid to know where my life is leading me. I'm afraid to see that, like the plans I had from childhood, the plans that I have now will not work out the way I hope they will. There's already so much stress in my life and I don't know how well I can handle another disappointment. A ton of responsibility is being placed on me..and it's hard to come through with it when I'm walking on such unsteady ground. It's like I'm in the role of some superhero..except I have absolutely no superpowers, money, or technology working in my advantage. Which leaves me to wonder if an average Joe like me- with nothing going for them- can save the world..if a normal human being can conquer any task put before them..I'd like to think that it's possible..but experience tells me otherwise. I suppose though, no matter how much I long for my childhood, no matter how afraid I am of my future, and no matter how overwhelmed I feel at the responsibilities that are put on me each day, there is still one, simple thought that I can believe with all of heart. No matter what, if I try my hardest to make the decisions that I truly believe are the right ones I can overcome anything..and, inevitably, no matter how long it takes, I will end up exactly where I'm supposed to be.

-Wendy-


"Silence is worse when you know it won't be broken." The Five People You Meet in Heaven By: Mitch Albom

"Dear Valentine, these are the things I remember, my love: A warm hand, your warm breath, your warm mouth, your arms around mine. I remember feeling safe, ceaseless like one person, the two of us, still, at rest, entwined. I remember how I felt the first time I kissed you. It felt like... the high dive. What do you remember? How will I ever know what was inside your heart? Where do they go, all the things we think and feel but do not say?" - Everwood

"I miss the times we stayed up all night, laughing, telling each other the day's stories. I miss the way you used to look at me. These days, all I miss is how things used to be." -Unknown-

"It's not up to me anymore. If you want me in your life, you'll find a way to put me there." -Unknown-

"I never said it would be easy; I only said it would be worth it. I never said there wouldn't be tears; I just promised to be there if there were. I never said it would be true love; I only said you'd know if it was. I never promised it would be forever; I only said to love unconditionally and generously with no recognition of time. I never said to hold on at all costs; I only said one day you'd have to let go and be free. I never said you'd get the rainbow without getting through the rain; I only said the sun is always brighter than the storm. I never said you wouldn't cry or feel like your heart had died. I never said you wouldn't change inside. And if I had, I'd have lied." -Unknown-

"I suddenly saw it all so clearly. I'd sold both of us short by taking something most people never have, and throwing it away for something less. I'd been in such a rush to impress people who really didn't matter that I torn apart the only ones who did. " - The Wonder Years-

"By the time you realize what you're losing, I'll be lost." -Down to You-

"Don't act like I don't know what I'm talking about. Don't forget that I'm the one who knows you inside out. You can't even answer when I ask you what's wrong. Just how much longer can the silence go on?" - Leann Rimes, "Honestly"

"I don't mean to sound so vengeful or to hit you when you're down, but you took my house of dreams and you burned it to the ground, now you say you're really sorry, well that's really nice to hear, but where were you when everything we had got up and disappeared?" - Evan and Jaron-